Choices
I didn’t sign up to be your high priced call girl. If I was asked, I could have had the choice to say yes or no. If I chose to say yes, I would have a lot of money to show for all of my years of dedicated service. I would have all the money I earned to live a comfortable life. We would not have been exclusive and I could have had other relationships on the side, I could have quit you at any time because you would have been my client, you did not offer me that choice.
I didn’t sign up to be your mistress. If I was asked, I could have had the choice to say yes or no. If I chose to say yes, the years we spent together would have been more livable for me. With being a kept woman, I could have lived in comfort. I would not have had to live in my car, live in a sleazy apartment next to a bar, and live in an unsafe apartment where they were selling drugs. I would have been able to afford a proper lawyer to get what I was due in my divorce, and proper representation when buying my house. I would have had the money to have heat, maintenance workers to do all the hard household chores for me that I physically could not do myself, someone to care for the yard, plow the driveway and shovel the walk. I could have had all the things done to the house that so desperately needed to be done, like fixing the flooding basement, repairing the roof, rehang the ceiling after the leak, and address all the structural issues are just a few examples. If I was your mistress, I would have never had expectations for you being there to celebrate birthdays, holidays, births and deaths. You would have never had to lie to me, because there would have been nothing to lie about. But most of all I wouldn’t have had any expectations because there would have been no love, no attachment, no emotion, no crying and no feelings of abandonment, and when I found true love I could have quit you, it would have been a business deal, you did not offer me that choice.
I didn’t sign up to be a sister wife. If I were asked I could have had the choice to say yes or no. If I chose to say yes, your time would have been equally divided between us. The time you spent with me would have not been tainted with guilt and shame. In true sister wife tradition, her and I would be friends and be a support system for each other caring and understanding each other’s needs. You and I would have had quality time together where we could have shared in each other’s lives, but you did not offer me this choice.
You didn’t ask me to be a friend with benefits, if you asked me I could have said yes or no. If I said yes, we could have been friends, the kind of friends that could do things for each other when needed, like your real friends, the friends you always put me last for. We could have used each other when our carnal urges needed release and then been on our way to seek to find a true real relationship that could satisfy all our needs physical, personal, and emotional. But you did not offer me this choice.
Instead you offered to be my best friend, my true undying, soul mate love. You asked me to wait so that you could be the best father you could be, you asked me to believe you and in you, to wait for you and to trust you. You said you loved me and you were making a life for us to be together forever. I said yes to this offer and for thirteen years I have waited, loved, believed, had faith, cried, agonized, fought the moral battle over right and wrong and prayed. I prayed a million prayers for me, for you, for her and for your child. I have been waiting those same thirteen years to write the final entry in the book that accounts for every mood, feeling, sentiment, sensation and emotion. Like a tsunami its arrival is approaching, the final chapter, the last word, the finale of once upon a time. In the end what you want for your life is your choice, and if that choice endeavors to include me, then the ultimate choice in the end will be mine to make.
Artwork by Clare Elsaesser © all rights reserved
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