6. I Cannot Be With You Tonight

Clouded

September 2000

“I cannot be with you tonight,” echoes through the halls of my captive mind. Words and movements carry forward in slow motion.  The tiny place I hold in your life screams out to me just above a whisper, to carefully keep my proper place. Time is suspended, my reaction guarded. I try with all of my being not to reflect the pain back on to you, once again finding yourself in the middle. Our precious few hours swiftly stolen away by obligations to the other life that claims you, fighting the daily battle between duty and obligation and loves true passion. It pains me so, that because of our love you must fight this battle.

     I would forever release you from this struggle if only I could be strong enough to let you go. My strength is in a weakened state, so long been starved in a seemingly endless lifetime of self-denial. I now find myself selfishly grasping for happiness no matter what the consequences.  Though our time together may be riddled with concerns, the happiness I find when I am alone with you makes them all just seem to disappear.

     I call to mind a past time when you foretold of pain that could accompany our love, it is calling upon us now. Calling in the form of the pain in your struggle to reach for something that is so much more than “just comfortable.” The anguish for us both when duty calls upon you to choose obligation over our treasured time together. This night, it is the first of many such times that will take possession of that which we hold so dear. 

     So when the dreaded words are spoken, “I cannot be with you tonight,” I will see the longing in your eyes and take comfort in our loving memories and the dreams that hopefully are yet to come.

Artwork by Clare Elsaesser © all rights reserved